Groomed by Peers: How Trusted Friends Can Lead Teens into Exploitation
- The White Hatter
- 2 days ago
- 9 min read
CAVEAT - We’re writing this article because, over the past few weeks, we’ve supported two families whose teens were groomed and recruited into the sex trade.
Contrary to the common assumption that traffickers or exploiters are always men, it’s important to recognize that, in some cases, the individual grooming or recruiting a teen girl may actually be another female, sometimes even a peer. These female recruiters can play a central role in drawing others into the sexualized online economy, particularly through what is often referred to as "sugaring." This can involve convincing or coercing young girls to sell nudes, engage in sexually explicit video chats, or create subscription-based adult content under the illusion of empowerment, easy money, or popularity. What may begin as peer-to-peer encouragement can quickly escalate into manipulation and commercial exploitation. (1)
In both cases we were involved in, there were clear warning signs that a youth or teen was being targeted. But these signs are only helpful if parents and caregivers know what to look for. Knowledge and the understanding of that knowledge is power!
Grooming is often subtle and manipulative, which makes it difficult to identify in its early stages. Traffickers are adept at hiding their intentions behind kindness, affection, and secrecy. However, there are several behavioural and situational changes, something we call a “tell”, that may serve as important warning signs that your child is being groomed.
Increased Attention or Gifts from a New Acquaintance
One of the earliest and most subtle signs of grooming can be the sudden appearance of a new older person or peer who seems overly interested in a young person’s life. This individual may offer excessive compliments, expensive or unusual gifts (like brand-name clothing, electronics, or cash), or special treatment like rides, meals, or promises of opportunity. While this behaviour can appear kind or generous on the surface, it’s often a calculated attempt to build emotional dependence and a sense of loyalty.
Example: A teen suddenly has a new iPhone or designer handbag but offers vague or inconsistent explanations about who gave it to them or how they got it. When asked about the new person in their life, they may say, “They’re just really nice” or “They said I deserved something special.”
Withdrawn and/or Secretive from Family and Friends
Traffickers and groomers often encourage secrecy and isolation. You may notice that your child starts avoiding conversations, hiding their phone or computer screen when others are around, or spending more time alone than usual. They may also begin distancing themselves emotionally or physically from trusted friends and family.
Example: A once-open teen starts spending all their time in their room with the door locked, avoids family meals, and becomes irritated or defensive when asked simple questions about their day or who they’re talking to.
Increased Online or Phone Activity
Digital platforms are a primary tool for groomers. A sudden surge in screen time, especially during late-night hours, can indicate a growing connection with someone online. Teens may become obsessed with checking messages or feel anxious if they’re away from their device for too long. They still have the phone you gave them, but now there's a second one, and they’re unwilling to explain where it came from or how they got it.
Example: A caregiver notices their child texting rapidly and constantly smiling at their phone but refusing to say who they’re talking to. They may say, “It’s just a friend, you wouldn’t know them,” and minimize the interaction as harmless.
New Language or Slang
Language is a powerful indicator of influence. If a teen starts using terms, phrases, or slang unfamiliar to their usual way of speaking, especially if those terms relate to street culture, sex work, or coded language, it may suggest someone is reshaping their identity and perspective.
Example: A parent overhears their child use terms like “BOP girl”, “daddy,” “wifey,” or “trap,” which are common in exploitative subcultures, but when asked, the child brushes it off as “just for fun” or something they heard in a song.
Changes in Mood, Appearance, and Behaviour
Grooming and exploitation often come with psychological highs and lows. A teen may begin dressing differently, more provocatively or to match a particular image, and display sudden shifts in behaviour. They may go from being cheerful to withdrawn or compliant to defiant. These changes may seem to come out of nowhere and are often a reaction to emotional manipulation or control.
Example: A teen who used to be outgoing and academically engaged begins skipping classes, dresses very differently, and becomes emotionally volatile, either highly secretive or unusually affectionate to certain people online or offline.
Change in Lifestyle Responsibilities
A previously responsible teen may start neglecting school, quitting extracurriculars, or skipping work. This change is often influenced by a groomer who downplays the importance of daily responsibilities or encourages risky or escapist behaviours.
Example: A once high-achieving student suddenly stops submitting assignments, loses interest in sports or clubs, and seems indifferent about long-term goals or consequences. When questioned, they might say school "doesn’t matter anymore" or that "someone else has a better plan for them.”
Overly Controlling Partner
Groomers frequently present themselves as romantic partners or close friends who care deeply, but their love or attention is conditional and controlling. They may tell the teen who they can talk to, what to wear, when to be online, or even insist on knowing their location at all times.
Example: A teen says their new partner “just wants to protect them” but now avoids social outings, stops using social media accounts they used to enjoy, and gets anxious if they don’t respond to texts quickly. This “partner” may even start answering the teen’s messages or calls themselves.
Missing Appointments or Going Out Without Explanation
Another red flag is a teen disappearing without explanation or frequently going to places they won’t disclose. This can include unexplained rides, meeting people who are significantly older, or being vague about where they’re going and with whom.
Example: A teen starts leaving the house late at night and returns early in the morning. When asked where they were, they offer responses like, “Just out” or “Don’t worry about it,” and become aggressive if pressed further.
Money and Gifts
Receiving cash or gifts without a clear source is a major concern. Sometimes, the teen may also start giving away money or valuables, perhaps even sending explicit images in exchange for payment (a tactic known as “financial grooming”). Traffickers use this to establish dominance and condition the teen into a transactional mindset.
Example: A teen suddenly has large amounts of cash but no job. They may claim they’re “helping a friend” or “getting paid for doing favours.” Alternatively, a parent might find unfamiliar jewelry, electronics, or luxury items in the teen’s room without knowing where they came from.
Desire to Leave Home or Escape Current Living Situation
If a young person begins talking about running away, leaving home, or fantasizing about a new life with someone they just met, it’s important to ask why. Groomers often paint an idealized version of escape, freedom, love, or adventure, to lure vulnerable individuals away from their safe environments.
Example: A teen starts saying things like, “I don’t belong here,” or “They said they’d take care of me,” referring to someone they met online. They might pack a bag, ask unusual questions about bus routes or shelters, or even disappear temporarily.
If you suspect someone is being groomed, it’s essential to approach the situation with care, empathy, and a focus on safety. Acting out of alarm or accusation can cause the person to withdraw further or feel ashamed. Your role is to offer a stable and trustworthy connection that they may be missing in their current situation.
Start by trusting your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it likely isn’t. Don’t ignore those gut feelings, they are often based on subtle but real observations. The next step is to approach the individual with compassion rather than judgment. They may not fully understand what’s happening to them, or they may feel conflicted about the relationship with the person grooming them. Avoid accusatory language, and instead express concern through gentle, non-threatening conversation.
It’s vital to listen, and we mean really listen, without interrupting or inserting your own conclusions. Create a space where the person feels safe enough to talk. Often, victims of grooming feel isolated and confused, your patience and willingness to hear them out can be the first step toward them seeking help.
When you’re ready to share your concerns, frame them around specific behaviours you’ve observed. Say things like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time alone lately, and I’m worried about you,” rather than directly attacking the new person in their life. Making accusations about someone they may feel bonded to could cause them to become defensive or pull away.
Let them know that you’re there to support them and provide resources they can access when they’re ready. Share information about services such as the National Human Trafficking Hotline ( Canada 1-833-900-1010 US 1-888-373-7888) or local support groups, here in the Greater Victoria we have the “Myst Team”. Having these options available can give the person a sense of agency without pressuring them into immediate action.
If you’ve observed specific incidents or worrying behaviour, keep detailed notes including dates, conversations, and any other relevant context such as screen shots of any conversation that you find between your child and the other person, telephone numbers, social media accounts, licence plate numbers of any cars they they are being picked up or dropped off in. This documentation can be incredibly useful if law enforcement need to intervene later.
If the person you’re concerned about is a minor, it’s your responsibility to alert parents, school officials, or law enforcement immediately. If the person is an adult, continue to encourage them to get help, and offer to go with them if they need support.
Always keep safety, both theirs and yours, at the forefront. If there’s any indication that confronting the suspected groomer could escalate into danger, do not engage directly. Contact authorities instead. Grooming and trafficking are serious and potentially life-threatening issues that require professional intervention.
Preventing grooming and human trafficking takes more than individual action, it requires a collective and sustained effort. We all have a role to play in creating safer communities and protecting those who may be vulnerable.
Start by educating yourself and those around you about how grooming works and what it looks like. Knowledge is power, and understanding these tactics can help you recognize them early, whether in your own life or in someone else’s.
Stay alert and involved in your community. Pay attention to the people around you, especially those who seem isolated, distressed, or suddenly different. Sometimes a single person noticing and reaching out can be the turning point.
Push for stronger protections and policies. Contact your elected officials and advocate for legislation that holds traffickers accountable while providing real support for survivors. Policy changes at the local and national levels are essential to preventing future harm.
Always believe those who speak out about their experiences. Survivors of grooming and trafficking often face disbelief, shame, or even blame. By offering them trust, validation, and support, you help them begin the healing process and send a message that they are not alone.
Grooming is a calculated and insidious process that often hides in plain sight, exploiting a young person’s vulnerabilities through subtle manipulation, emotional influence, and the illusion of connection or opportunity. As we’ve seen firsthand through our work with families recently impacted by commercial exploitation, this threat is real, it’s present, and it’s evolving, often facilitated by peer recruiters, digital platforms, and the glamorization of “sugaring” and online sex work.
Recognizing the “tells”, those changes in behaviour, mood, language, and relationships, is the first critical step in prevention. But recognition alone isn’t enough. It must be paired with empathy, open communication, and informed intervention, the earlier the better. Reacting with fear or blame only reinforces secrecy and shame, making it harder for victims to reach out for help. Instead, we must meet our youth with curiosity, care, and a commitment to truly listen.
Parents, educators, caregivers, and community members all have a role to play in disrupting grooming before it escalates into exploitation. That role begins with awareness but must grow into action, whether it’s documenting troubling behaviour, providing access to support services, or advocating for stronger protections and education at the systemic level.
We must remember that grooming thrives in silence and isolation. When we break that silence, by speaking up, reaching out, and creating safe spaces for young people to be heard, we weaken the power of those who seek to harm. Let’s remain vigilant, informed, and ready to act with compassion and courage. Together, we can stand as a line of defence between vulnerable youth and those who aim to exploit them.
No one can do everything, but everyone can do something. Start with awareness. Lead with empathy. And never underestimate the power of one caring adult to change the trajectory of a young person’s life.
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter
Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech
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