Who’s Handing Our Kids the Digital Keys? We Need To Look In The Mirror and Realize That Increasingly, It’s Us!
Caveat: We know this is going to tick some parents and caregivers off, BUT, this needs to be said, and we now have the numbers to support our thoughts on this issue! If we’re concerned about children getting onto social media too young, we need to look closely at the decisions we make about the technology we give them.
When a 10 year old says, “Everyone else has a smartphone,” the pressure is real. We want our kids to fit in, and we want to be able to reach them. Even so, the decision about when they get a smartphone and what it lets them do is ours.
How early are kids getting smartphones?
Common Sense Media released its 2026 Tech and Media Use by Tweens and Teens report in October (1). Figure A on page 7 shows the percentage of U.S. youth at each age who said they had their own smartphone.
Age 9 — 24%
Age 10 — 47%
Age 11 — 57%
Age 12 — 63%
Age 13 — 74%
Nearly half of 10 year olds report having their own smartphone. By age 11, it’s a majority, something that we have anecdotally seen in our elementary programs. The survey measures ownership, and the question it raises for families is what kind of unsupervised access to the internet are we as parents and caregivers making routine at those ages.
What Are We Handing Over With The Smartphone?
For at least a decade, we have urged parents and caregivers to delay giving children and younger teens a smartphone, with exceptions for compelling needs such as a medical condition where such technology can play an important part in a treatment plan, such as Type 1 diabetes. A personal smartphone with unrestricted access puts web browsing, social media feeds, and private messaging within easy reach throughout the day. That creates more opportunities for kids to encounter sexual or violent content, other concerning content, or for someone seeking to groom them to make private contact.
Yes, phone manufacturers and social media companies are responsible for how they design their products, however, at home, we are responsible for the decisions we control to allow them access to technology, the internet, and social media. When we hand over a smartphone, like it or not, we have made a conscious choices about what our child can see online, and who can reach them. Those choices deserve as much attention as the decision to buy them a smartphone in the first place, or where or what they may be doing online with that phone.
Start With What Your Child Needs
A child who walks home alone may need to call us when they arrive. A younger teen may need to text us when practice ends or their ride changes. A flip-phone or a digital watch with approved contacts can meet those needs for youth and younger teens. Families who need a few more features can consider what we call a minimalist phone, a device set up for selected apps and contacts, with broader access restricted such as the Pinwheel cell phone (2).
If a medical condition calls for a smartphone, we can set it up around the features our child needs. Before handing it over, we can decide who can contact them, which apps they can use, and whether they need a browser or social media. We can revisit those choices as their needs change and they show they’re ready for more independence.
We can keep the conversation simple. “We want you to be able to call or text us after school, this phone lets you do that. We’re going to wait a little longer before giving you access to a fully functioning smartphone.”
Our kids may point out that their friend’s parents have already said yes to a smartphone. We can acknowledge how hard it feels to be the one who has to wait and still hold the boundary. As parents and caregivers, it’s our job to decide which digital keys our kids are ready to carry, and when they’re ready for more.
The numbers in the Common Sense Media report show how early children are getting smartphones. That should prompt some honest reflection from parents and caregivers about the access we’re giving them. As parents and caregivers, we are responsible for the choices within our control, including when we hand over a phone, which apps and sites it can reach, and who can contact our child through it.
When we give a child or younger teen a smartphone, we make it easier for them to encounter harmful content, receive unwanted messages, or get drawn into behaviour they may be too young to navigate. If we know those risks exist and hand over the phone without considering what it opens up, we are willfully choosing to look past a decision we have the power to make differently. Our responsibility begins before we hand over the phone and continues as our child learns to use it.
Who’s handing our kids the keys to the digital highway? The reality is, we are! When a child encounters harm through an app or online service we gave them the tech access to, we have to reckon with the part our decision played in opening that door rather than just pointing a finger at a tech or social media company. Yes, these tech and social media companies also have a significant role to play as well, but we parents and caregivers set the “terms of access”, especially when it comes to phones, and therefore have to shoulder some of the consequences of allowing such access.
Here’s the inconvenient truth, we need to speak honestly about the choices that helped create the conditions for online harm. As parents and caregivers, we need to be willing to examine the access we gave our child, acknowledge where our decisions played a part, and change what’s within our control, something we call compassionate candour. It means being honest with parents and caregivers about how a decision they made may have contributed to what happened, while recognizing how painful that can be to hear. Often we hear the argument, “You can’t blame the parents” however, Common Sense Media’s survey points to the fact that often parents and caregivers can be the nexus, given we gave them the access that made that problematic interaction possible.
We need to be our kids best parent and not their best friend when it comes to their use of technology, not to do so only increases risk. Giving a youth or younger teen a smartphone, with some very rare exceptions, is NOT being their best parent in our opinion.
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter
Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech
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