Technology, Parenting, Responsibility, & Self Reflection: The Conversation Some Don’t Want to Have or Even Acknowledge
- The White Hatter
- 16 minutes ago
- 7 min read
CAVEAT - This article may ruffle some feathers, but the message behind it is one we can no longer afford to ignore. We understand that parenting is hard; been there, done that. Raising youth and teens in today’s onlife world is not easy, especially when technology, social media, gaming, messaging apps, and artificial intelligence are now woven into almost every part of a child’s life. However, as difficult as parenting can be, it still comes with responsibility. That responsibility cannot be minimized, dismissed, or shifted entirely onto others such as schools, governments, police, or technology companies. All of these groups have a role to play for sure, but parents and caregivers remain the first and most important line of defence, guidance, boundaries, supervision, and support in their child’s life. This is not about blaming parents or caregivers when something goes wrong, it’s about recognizing that parenting in the onlife world requires active involvement, not passive hope. Love matters, but so do boundaries, conversations, monitoring, modelling, and the willingness to say “no” when safety requires it.
“Sometimes the most loving thing a parent or caregiver can do is pause and ask, did my choices, my absence, my silence, or my fear of conflict contribute to this situation?”
The White Hatter
Recently, the RCMP and media outlets reported on the arrest of an adult American male accused of online luring involving a 10 year old girl from Manitoba Canada, who was allegedly convinced to send nude images of herself online (1). Cases like this are heartbreaking, disturbing, and every parent and caregiver’s nightmare. They also reignite an increasingly emotional public discussion about youth, social media, smartphones, and online safety.
Before going further, we believe it is important to say this clearly, we do not know all the facts surrounding this specific case other than what the police have released, and this article is not about publicly judging one family during what is a traumatic experience. However, cases like this do raise a broader and uncomfortable question that society needs to be willing to discuss honestly. When very young children are given private, internet connected access to everyone and anyone online, what adult safeguards should reasonably be in place?
Almost immediately after this story broke, some advocacy groups pointed to the case as proof that once again social media itself is the primary problem. Some commented that parents and caregivers should not be held responsible, and that the blame should rest entirely on the technology platforms that allowed the interaction to occur. While we understand why emotions drive this perspective, we respectfully disagree with the idea that parental responsibility can be removed from the conversation.
To be clear, technology companies absolutely carry responsibility. Many social media platforms and apps are intentionally designed to maximize engagement, encourage constant interaction, and reduce friction when connecting with others, including strangers. Some companies have been far too slow, and even wilfully blind, to implement meaningful safety guardrails, safer default settings for children, stronger moderation systems, transparent reporting processes, and age appropriate protections. These are legitimate concerns that deserve serious public attention and stronger evidence based legislation and regulation.
However, parental accountability must also remain part of the discussion. If a parent or caregiver of a young child builds a backyard swimming pool, most people immediately recognize that safety measures must come with access. Fences are installed, gates are locked, rules are established, children are supervised, and swimming lessons are often encouraged before independence is granted. Why? Because we understand that children are curious, impulsive, emotionally immature, and often unable to fully appreciate risk.
If a 10 year old who cannot swim is left alone beside a pool and falls in, most people would not place the blame solely on the pool manufacturer. Instead, difficult but necessary questions would be asked about supervision, preparation, safety boundaries, and the adult responsibility connected to what happened.
The same principle applies in today’s onlife world, although with an important difference. Unlike a backyard pool, today’s digital environment is not static, it’s dynamic, persuasive, algorithmically driven, and often intentionally engineered by companies that profit from prolonged engagement and interaction. That is precisely why parental responsibility must exist alongside platform responsibility, not instead of it.
When we provide a 10 year old with a smartphone, iPad, laptop, or gaming console with unrestricted internet access, private messaging capability, disappearing messages, a closed bedroom or bathroom door, and unsupervised access to platforms where people they don’t know can communicate with them, we are potentially giving that child access to a digital “deep end” before they possess the psychosocial maturity to safely navigate it independently. For more than two decades, we here at the White Hatter have consistently emphasized this very point. The challenges may be evolving, but the core concern specific to the risks faced by children who have unrestrained access to technology that connects to the internet is not new.
Again, none of this excuses the offender. The accused adult is fully responsible for the alleged criminal exploitation. Nor does it excuse any platform failures that may have helped create unsafe conditions. However, it is also difficult to argue that parents and caregivers have no responsibility at all when they provided the device, allowed the access, permitted private use, and did not have meaningful supervision, digital literacy education, boundaries, or safeguards in place. This is especially important to remember given that the child in this case was only 10 years old.
This is not about parent shaming, there is an important difference between blame and accountability. Blame looks backward to punish, while accountability looks forward and asks what safeguards may have been missing, what risks may have been underestimated, and what changes can reduce the likelihood of future harm. Those are difficult conversations, but they are necessary ones.
One of the challenges we see today is that some adults unintentionally treat internet connected devices as though they are neutral appliances, no different than handing a child a television remote. Today, smartphones, iPads, laptops, and gaming consoles provide direct access to anyone online as well as access to adult content, encrypted communication, live streaming, image sharing, AI generated manipulation tools, parasocial influence, and algorithmically recommended content designed to maximize attention and emotional engagement.
A child may appear technologically skilled because they can navigate apps quickly, create videos, or understand settings better than many adults. However, knowing how to use technology is not the same thing as being developmentally prepared to manage manipulation, secrecy, flattery, coercion, shame, fear, peer pressure, or exploitation.
Predators understand this well, given they often exploit normal childhood traits such as curiosity, trust, emotional vulnerability, the desire for approval, fear of getting in trouble, and the natural tendency of young people to seek validation and connection. This is why online grooming can happen even in good homes with caring parents. Children are not miniature adults, and expecting them to consistently navigate adult level digital risks, using tech devices that are primarily designed for adults on their own is unrealistic.
Unfortunately, public discussions about youth online safety often swing between two extremes. On one side, some place all blame on parents. On the other, some attempt to remove almost all responsibility from parents and place it entirely on technology companies or governments. The reality is that protecting children online requires shared responsibility.
Technology companies need stronger safety standards and safer design practices. Governments need thoughtful, evidence-based regulation and legislation that goes beyond slogans, political contagions, and moral panic. Schools should continue integrating meaningful digital literacy and online safety education, and law enforcement must aggressively pursue those who exploit children online. However, parents and caregivers also play a critical role because they are often the primary gatekeepers to a child’s digital environment, especially at younger ages, we are the ones allowing them access to these devices and the internet, and with that access comes responsibility.
This is why we continue to advocate for what we call “scaffolding before independence.” Just as we would never hand a child car keys without guidance, supervision, gradual exposure, and training, we should not hand children unrestricted access to powerful internet connected technology without the same process. As we like to say, “right tech at the right time.”
For parents and caregivers, responsibility and accountability does not mean perfection. It means recognizing that access should come with intentional safeguards. That may include delaying unrestricted social media access for younger children, keeping devices out of bedrooms overnight, regularly reviewing apps together, discussing privacy settings, teaching children how to block and report inappropriate behaviour, maintaining open communication, and creating family environments where children can disclose uncomfortable online experiences without fear of immediate punishment or device confiscation.
The goal should not be to raise children completely disconnected from technology. Technology is now woven into education, friendships, entertainment, creativity, and future career opportunities. The goal is to raise youth and teens who are gradually taught how to navigate technology safely, critically, and responsibly before full independence is granted. That is not fear based parenting, that’s engaged parenting or what we like to call “digital sheepdoging”!
Our message to parents and caregivers, “be your child’s best parent and not their best friend when it comes to their use of technology, because not to do so increases risk!”
This does not mean being harsh, controlling, or fear based, it means being loving enough to set boundaries, engaged enough to know what apps they are using, and confident enough to say “not yet” or “not in that way” when their age, maturity, or behaviour shows they are not ready, which can differ from family to family. Children may want unrestricted access, privacy, and independence online, but wanting something does not always mean they are ready for it. Parenting technology means guiding, teaching, supervising, and gradually expanding freedom as trust and maturity develop. It also means taking responsibility for the type of access we allow our kids to have, especially when unsupervised.
Avoiding those difficult conversations because we want to keep the peace, be liked, or not upset our child increases online risk. In the onlife world, loving parenting sometimes means setting limits your child may not understand until they are older.
We will close this article by returning to the quote that opened it:
“Sometimes the most loving thing a parent or caregiver can do is pause and ask, did my choices, my absence, my silence, or my fear of conflict contribute to this situation?”
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter
Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech
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