When Attention Seeking Is Ignored Because Of Technology
- The White Hatter
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
One of the things we often encourage parents and caregivers to pay attention to is not just how much time children spend on technology, but also how adults are modelling their own relationship with it. Youth and teens are always watching us, and long before they fully understand what we say, they are learning from what we consistently do.
Recently, while eating at a restaurant, we observed something that has become increasingly common in today’s onlife world. Sitting across from us was what appeared to be a young family. The parents looked to be in their early thirties, seated with a young son who appeared to be under the age of 8. What stood out was not that the child was glued to a phone or iPad, because surprise, he wasn’t. In fact, the child appeared to be looking for interaction, attention, and connection from his parents, however, both adults were deeply engaged in scrolling on their smartphones.
As we watched, it became increasingly clear that the child was repeatedly attempting to gain their attention through conversation, body language, and bids for engagement. Yet much of those attempts appeared to go unnoticed or were met with only brief, distracted responses before the parents returned to their screens.
To be clear, this is not about shaming parents or caregivers, we get it, parenting is exhausting. Adults are stressed, overworked, mentally overloaded, and smartphones are intentionally designed to capture and hold our attention. Even adults struggle with disengaging from devices that are engineered to trigger curiosity, novelty seeking, emotional reactions, and habit loops. However, moments like this still matter because youth and teens do not measure connection by the length of time spent together physically, they measure it by emotional availability and engagement in the present.
Research in developmental psychology has consistently shown that children seek what experts often call “serve and return” interactions (1). A child reaches out verbally, emotionally, or physically, and the caregiver responds. These small interactions help build emotional security, attachment, communication skills, and social confidence. When these bids for attention are repeatedly interrupted by technology, some researchers refer to this as “technoference” or “device leakage,” where devices intrude into human relationships in subtle but meaningful ways.
What concerned us most in that restaurant was not simply the screen use itself, it was what the child may have been learning from the experience. Youth and teens learn what “normal” looks like by observing the adults around them. If parents and caregivers are consistently checking notifications, scrolling social media feeds, or disengaging from face to face interaction during family time, youth and teens internalize that behaviour as socially acceptable and expected. Later, when those same youth and teens become heavily attached to devices themselves, parents and caregivers may struggle to understand where those habits originated.
There is also the relational component that we as parents and caregivers often don’t consider. Youth and teens are constantly seeking reassurance that they matter, that they are interesting, and that they are worthy of attention. Repeated emotional dismissal, even when unintentional, can influence attachment patterns and connection within the family dynamic over time.
This is also where parasocial relationships become important to discuss. Human beings are wired for connection. When meaningful connection is lacking in one area of life, especially for children and teens, they may increasingly seek emotional fulfilment elsewhere. Today, that “elsewhere” can become online influencers, streamers, gaming communities, AI companions, or social media personalities who appear emotionally available, responsive, and engaging. These relationships are not inherently harmful, but they can become more emotionally significant when real world relational needs are not consistently being met.
We are not suggesting that parents and caregivers must be perfectly attentive every moment of the day, because that is unrealistic. What we are suggesting is that both intentionality and small moments matter. Family meals, car rides, waiting rooms, walks, and bedtime routines are often where some of the most meaningful conversations happen with children. These are the moments where trust, communication, and emotional safety are quietly built over time.
Sometimes one of the most powerful things a parent or caregiver can do is place their phone face down, make eye contact, and communicate through both words and actions, “You matter more than what’s happening on this screen.”
In a world where technology companies are competing aggressively for human attention, and now affection given AI companionship apps, perhaps one of the greatest forms of digital literacy we can model for our children is showing them when, why, and how to intentionally disconnect so that we can connect with the people sitting right in front of us.
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter
Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech
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