From Likes to Connection: Understanding How Teens Progress Through Social Media

If you're worried about how technology, the internet, and social media is affecting your child, you're not alone. However, before jumping to bans or restrictions, it’s worth asking a different question, “Have you asked your teen how they use it, and why it matters to them?”

We have, and we found that the answer will likely depend on their age.

For many pre-teens and younger teens, social media is about trying on different versions of themselves. Captions, filters, stories, and follower counts aren’t just superficial distractions, they’re tools of self-expression. These platforms help youth and teens figure out who they are and how they want to be seen. At this stage, they’re looking for validation and experimenting with identity. That might mean posting selfies, sharing memes, or creating content that reflects how they hope others perceive them. It’s not necessarily about vanity,  it’s part of growing up in today’s onlife world.

As teens get older, we have found that many grow tired of constantly curating a perfect image. The need to look polished starts to feel like pressure. By high school, the focus often shifts from performance to connection. Teens want to keep in touch with their friends, make plans, and feel a sense of belonging and not just  to be seen. This change is meaningful, and it shows how teens begin to think less about appearance and more about communication and relationships. Social media becomes less about who’s watching and more about who’s listening.

Instead of treating technology and social media as a threat, parents and caregivers can approach it as a conversation starter. Start by asking your youth or teen how they use it, what they enjoy, and what frustrates them. These questions open the door to important discussions, and when you listen without immediately trying to fix or judge, you build trust. The more your youth or teen feels heard, the more likely they are to be honest about what’s really going on in their onlife world.

It’s also helpful for parents and caregivers to recognize how different age groups interact with social media in different ways. A 13 year old might care deeply about likes and followers, while a 17-year-old might be more interested in group chats or sharing moments through private stories. Understanding these developmental shifts helps you meet your teen where they are, rather than assuming all social media use is the same.

Youth and teens also have valuable insight to offer about the onlife world they are growing up in. Ask them what they think would make social media better, or what changes would help their peers feel safer or more supported online? When we invite teens into the conversation, we show them that their opinions matter, and we model the kind of critical thinking we want them to develop.

Parents and caregivers can also support their child by encouraging other ways to express themselves offline. Whether it’s through art, sports, music, gaming, volunteering, or journaling, these outlets help teens explore their identity and creativity beyond technology. These alternatives don’t have to replace technology, the internet, and social media, but they can provide balance and help youth and teens discover more about who they are and what they care about.

Most importantly, the parent/caregiver teen relationship is one of the most powerful protective factors in a young person’s life. When kids know they can come to you with questions, mistakes, or uncomfortable experiences, they’re more likely to seek help before things spiral. That trust can’t be built overnight, but it grows through consistent communication, empathy, and a willingness to talk about technology as a shared part of your lives, and not a battleground.

Your teen’s digital life is part of their real life or what we call their onlife world. Instead of fighting that fact, lean into it with curiosity, compassion, and honest conversation. The more you involve them in the process, the better prepared they’ll be to make thoughtful choices, on and off the screen.

Digital Food For Thought

The White Hatter

Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech