Understanding the “Why”: When Tech Is a Crutch, Not the Cause!

At The White Hatter, we often remind parents, caregivers, and educators, that digital behaviour doesn’t often exist in a vacuum. A child’s relationship with technology is almost always shaped by the context of their offline life, especial when it comes to what is happening in the home. Too often, we’re quick to point fingers at screens when we see a young person struggling emotionally, academically, or socially. But what if the screen isn’t the root cause? What if it’s a symptom, or more precisely, a coping mechanism?

A recent incident involving an elementary-aged student highlights this point with uncomfortable clarity. Teachers and school staff described the student as “problematic,” especially because of the mature and sometimes aggressive language he used which included words and phrases well beyond what most would expect from a child his age - a huge red flag for us. Initial assumptions zeroed in on technology. After all, he was constantly on his iPad, usually playing games. The narrative became familiar: “It’s technology and the internet’s fault.”

But then more of the story came into view.

This child lives in a home environment filled with instability and trauma. His mother has moved through a series of relationships, some of which were reportedly abusive, violence that this young boy has witnessed regularly. The same aggressive language he used at school? Likely not learned through a video game, but heard and internalized from the adults around him. One educator recalled him saying, “When I break up with my girlfriend, I’m going to toss all her clothes onto the lawn and she can go live on the street.” This isn’t a gaming trope, it’s something he likely saw play out in real life.

In this context, his overuse of his iPad wasn’t the cause of his behaviour, it was likely his emotional and psychological crutch, his way to digitally escape his home reality. A place he could retreat to when the world around him felt unsafe, unpredictable, or out of control. His tech use may have been excessive, but the motivation behind it wasn’t rooted in screen “addiction”, it was rooted in emotional and psychological survival.

When we blame tech without examining the bigger picture, we risk misdiagnosing the problem. A child acting out isn’t always the result of too much screen time. Sometimes, it’s the result of trauma, neglect, abuse, or unaddressed mental health needs. Technology in these cases isn’t the villain, it’s often the lifeline.

We’ve seen similar dynamics play out across countless stories. A teen who is always on social media might not be addicted for the sake of being online. They may be seeking validation they’re not receiving at home. A child binge-watching YouTube or playing online games late into the night might not be “defiant”, they could be anxious and unable to sleep in a household where yelling and conflict is the norm.

This doesn’t mean that boundaries around tech use aren’t important, they are. But it does mean that understanding the why behind behaviour matters more than jumping to conclusions. Teachers, school counsellors, and parents need to ask better questions:

• What’s going on around this child that may be contributing to what we’re seeing?

• Is the technology use a form of avoidance or self-soothing?

• What would this young person be facing if the device were taken away?

Before we rush to remove the tech, we need to consider what we may be removing them from.

For some youth and teens, digital spaces are a temporary shelter. Games give them structure, social media gives them connection, and videos give them distraction. None of these are long-term solutions for trauma or instability, but they can be the stopgap that keeps a young person afloat until other supports such as safe adults, counselling, and consistency can step in.

This is why blanket rules or one-size-fits-all restrictions don’t work. Tech use must always be viewed through the lens of the child’s full life context. That includes their family environment, mental health, support systems, and resilience skills.

What does a more thoughtful response look like?

A more thoughtful response begins by shifting our mindset from judgment to curiosity. When a child exhibits challenging behaviour, the question shouldn't be, “What’s wrong with this child?” but rather, “What’s happening to this child?” This simple change in perspective opens the door to understanding rather than labeling. It recognizes that behaviour is communication, and that there may be deeper struggles beneath the surface.

Support for a child in distress isn’t something that should fall on one person’s shoulders. It requires collaboration. Educators, school counsellors, and families each have valuable insights, and when they come together to share what they’re seeing, they can begin to build a clearer picture of what a child may be going through. This coordinated approach is essential to addressing not just the behaviour, but the root cause.

It’s also important to avoid demonizing the technology a child turns to. A phone, tablet, or gaming device may be serving a very real purpose for that young person. It could be their way of creating stability, escaping conflict, or feeling a sense of control in an unpredictable world. Stripping that away without understanding its role can do more harm than good.

If the goal is to reduce screen time, we must be prepared to offer something in its place. Simply removing a device without providing emotional support, meaningful activities, mentorship, or access to therapy leaves a void. That void can amplify a child’s distress. A thoughtful response ensures we’re not just taking something away but creating a healthier environment where a young person feels seen, safe, and supported.

Every behaviour has a story behind it. When we slow down and seek to understand the story, we’re more likely to respond in ways that actually help a child grow rather than push them further into isolation. It’s easy to blame the screen. It takes more effort, and more heart, to ask why a child might be clinging to it in the first place.

Let’s keep asking better questions. Let’s stay curious. Let’s never forget that behind every screen is a story, and sometimes, a child just trying to cope.

Remember, technology might be a coping tool or a crutch, not the root cause, when it comes to our kid’s mental health so dig deeper!

Digital Food For Thought

The White Hatter 

Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech