Have You Ever Been Your Child’s Excuse? Why Sometimes the Most Powerful Safety Tool Is a Parent Willing to Take the Blame
CAVEAT: Here at The White Hatter, we believe that one of the most important responsibilities we have as parents and caregivers is to help our children develop the confidence, skills, and independence to navigate uncomfortable, challenging, and sometimes unsafe situations, both online and offline. However, we also recognize that children and teens are still developing emotionally, socially, and neurologically. There will be times when knowing what the right thing to do is and actually having the confidence to do it are two very different things. Offering our children a safe way out of an uncomfortable situation should not be confused with encouraging dishonesty, avoiding accountability, or teaching them to run away from every difficult experience. Rather, it is about providing a temporary safety net while they develop the confidence and skills to advocate for themselves.
Recently, we came across a wonderful social media post shared by Krystal Tristan, founder and CEO of OneHaven, that reminded us of something we have been teaching parents and caregivers for years. Sometimes, one of the most effective strategies for keeping our children safer, both online and offline, has very little to do with technology, parental controls, monitoring applications, or restrictive rules. Instead, it has everything to do with the relationship we have built with our children and whether they feel comfortable reaching out to us when they need help.
In her post, Krystal shared an experience involving one of her sons, who was with a group of friends. At some point during the gathering, he found himself in a situation that made him uncomfortable. Rather than confronting his friends, risking embarrassment, or trying to explain why he wanted to leave, he reached out to his mother by text and asked her to send him a message that would provide a believable excuse to go home. Her response was simple, she sent a text that said something like, “Come home now, I found out you’re failing.”
With that one text message, her son suddenly had a socially acceptable reason to leave. He didn’t have to challenge his friends, explain his discomfort, or worry about being labelled the person who ruined everyone’s fun. His mother had willingly become the bad guy, giving him an exit that didn’t require him to take the social blame.
What struck us about this story wasn’t just the cleverness of the text message. It was what had to exist between this mother and her son long before that message was ever sent. Her son knew he could ask for help, trusted that she would understand what he needed, and believed she would respond without making an already uncomfortable situation worse. That is not something that happens automatically because we are parents or caregivers. It is something that is built through countless conversations, interactions, and experiences over time.
The Social Cost of Saying No
As adults, it can be easy to look at situations like this and ask, “Why didn’t he just leave?” or “Why couldn’t he simply tell his friends he wasn’t comfortable?” These are reasonable questions from an adult perspective, but they can overlook the social realities that many youth and teens experience.
During adolescence, friendships, peer acceptance, social belonging, and reputation can carry enormous emotional weight. This is not simply a matter of young people being immature or overly concerned about what others think. Social acceptance is an important part of adolescent development, and the fear of rejection or embarrassment can influence how young people respond to situations, particularly when they are surrounded by friends or peers whose opinions matter to them.
A teen might recognize that something happening at a party is inappropriate, risky, or simply inconsistent with their personal values, yet still struggle to remove themselves from the situation. They may worry about being laughed at, excluded from future gatherings, criticized in a group chat, or having their decision become the subject of online gossip. In some circumstances, the perceived social consequences of leaving can feel more immediate than the potential consequences of staying.
This is where a parent or caregiver can become an important protective factor. By offering to take the blame, we give our children an opportunity to remove themselves from a situation without having to navigate all the social consequences at that moment. It doesn’t mean we should always speak for them or rescue them from every uncomfortable interaction. It means recognizing that there are times when providing a safe exit is more important than insisting that our child demonstrate independence in front of their peers. Sometimes, our children don’t need us to solve the problem, they simply need us to give them permission to leave it.
The Human Element: Why Relationships Matter More Than Any App
At The White Hatter, we often speak about what we call the “Human Element” of digital literacy and online safety (1). Although technology can play an important role in helping protect youth and teens, we believe that the relationship between a child and their parent or caregiver remains one of the most important protective factors available.
We can install parental controls, establish screen time limits, monitor applications, configure privacy settings, and teach our children about online risks. These strategies can all have value when used appropriately. However, none of them can guarantee that our child will reach out when something goes wrong.
A monitoring application might alert us to concerning activity, but it cannot create trust.
A content filter might reduce exposure to certain material, but it cannot teach a child how to navigate social pressure.
A family technology agreement can establish expectations, but it cannot replace the emotional security that comes from knowing a parent or caregiver will listen before reacting.
That emotional security is particularly important when children find themselves in situations where they fear they might be blamed, punished, embarrassed, or misunderstood.
Think about the teen who receives an unsolicited intimate image, the child who is being pressured to share personal information in a group chat, the student who is being encouraged to participate in online bullying, or the young person who finds themselves in a gaming conversation that has suddenly become sexualized or threatening. In each of these situations, the young person may recognize that something is wrong but hesitate to reach out because they are uncertain how their parent or caregiver will respond.
Will their phone be taken away?
Will they be blamed for being there in the first place?
Will their parents become angry?
Will they be embarrassed by an adult who immediately contacts everyone involved?
These concerns can become barriers to asking for help. This is why we consistently encourage parents and caregivers to focus on building relationships in which their children understand that asking for help will not automatically result in punishment, judgment, or the loss of access to the very technology that connects them to their friends and social world.
This doesn’t mean there will never be consequences for poor decisions. It means that when a youth or teen reaches out because they feel unsafe, threatened, pressured, or overwhelmed, our immediate priority should be their safety and well being. Conversations about accountability, decision making, and consequences can happen once the immediate concern has been addressed.
Creating a Family Exit Strategy Before It Is Needed
Krystal’s story also highlights something we believe parents and caregivers should consider introducing into their own families, a prearranged exit strategy.
The idea is simple, before our children find themselves in an uncomfortable situation, we establish an agreement that allows them to contact us discreetly when they need help leaving. This might involve a specific word, phrase, emoji, or text message that communicates, “I need you to help me get out of here.”
For example, a family might agree that if their teen sends a text asking, “Did you remember to feed the dog?” it means they want their parent to call or text them with a reason to come home. Another family might use a particular emoji or a phrase that would appear completely ordinary to anyone else reading the conversation. The specific signal is less important than the understanding behind it.
When that message arrives, the parent or caregiver knows their child is asking for assistance rather than an interrogation. Depending on the circumstances, the response might involve a phone call, a text requiring them to come home, or an offer to pick them up immediately.
For younger children, the strategy might be even simpler. They could be taught to say, “I need to check with my mom or dad first,” when someone asks them to do something they are uncomfortable with. This gives them an opportunity to step away, contact a trusted adult, and seek guidance without feeling pressured to make an immediate decision.
However, there is an important distinction that parents and caregivers should understand. A coded message should never replace a direct request for emergency assistance when a child is in immediate danger. If a young person is being threatened, assaulted, prevented from leaving, or facing another urgent safety concern, they should know that contacting emergency services or seeking immediate help from a safe adult may be necessary.
We also recommend that families discuss what happens after the exit signal has been used. For example,
Will the parent or caregiver immediately call?
Will they send a text?
Will they arrange transportation?
What happens if the parent doesn’t respond?
Is there another trusted adult the child can contact?
These details matter because an exit strategy is only useful when everyone understands how it works.
The Strategy Must Be Practised, Not Just Mentioned Once
One of the most important lessons we have learned through our work with youth and teens is that simply telling a child what to do does not necessarily mean they will be able to do it when the situation arises. This is especially true when emotions are heightened, social pressure is present, or a young person feels embarrassed, frightened, or overwhelmed.
At The White Hatter, we believe safety strategies should be introduced, discussed, reinforced, and practised over time (2). This is what we mean when we talk about scaffolding digital literacy and personal safety skills. Rather than expecting children to develop good judgment simply because we have provided them with information, we need to create opportunities for them to practise applying that information in realistic situations.
For example, parents and caregivers can introduce hypothetical scenarios during everyday conversations.
What would you do if a friend pressured you to send a picture you didn’t want to send?
What if you were invited into a group chat where people were sharing inappropriate content?
What if you were at a friend’s house and someone started doing something that made you uncomfortable?
What if someone you met while gaming wanted to move the conversation to a private messaging application?
Rather than immediately telling our children what they should do, we can ask them how they think they might respond. We can explore different options, discuss possible consequences, and practise using an exit strategy.
Sometimes, role-playing can be particularly helpful. A parent might pretend to be a friend applying pressure while their child practises declining, redirecting the conversation, or sending their prearranged message. These exercises don’t need to be lengthy, formal, or intimidating. In fact, they are often most effective when incorporated naturally into everyday family conversations.
The objective is not to frighten children into believing danger exists around every corner. It is to help them develop a sense of confidence and familiarity with strategies they can use if something doesn’t feel right. We don’t want the first time our child practises asking for help to be the moment they desperately need it.
From the Physical World to the Online World
Although Krystal’s story involved a physical gathering, the same strategy can be particularly valuable in today’s online world, where many of the social challenges experienced by young people now occur through group chats, gaming platforms, social media, messaging applications, and increasingly, AI powered social environments.
Consider a teen who is participating in a group chat when several friends begin targeting another student with cruel comments. They may feel uncomfortable with what is happening but worry that speaking up will make them the next target. Another teen might find themselves in a private conversation where someone begins pressuring them to share an intimate image. A younger child might be playing an online game when another player starts asking personal questions or encouraging them to keep secrets from their parents. In each of these examples, the child may need a way to disengage without feeling that they must immediately confront the other person or explain themselves, and a prearranged family signal can provide that opportunity.
For example, a teen might text their parent or caregiver asking them to call because they need a reason to leave a group video chat. A child might use their family’s “safe phrase” to indicate that someone online is making them uncomfortable and they need help. A parent might then provide a simple reason for their child to disconnect, giving them time and space to discuss what happened privately.
Importantly, we should also teach children that they do not owe someone an explanation for leaving an uncomfortable online interaction. They have the right to stop responding, leave a group chat, block an account, or seek assistance when someone crosses a personal boundary.
If the interaction involves threats, exploitation, harassment, or coercion, there may also be a need to preserve relevant evidence and report the behaviour. Parents should help their children understand that leaving the interaction and seeking assistance are often the first steps, not necessarily the only steps. The goal is to provide our children with options, not to make them dependent on us to navigate every difficult online encounter.
Being Their Excuse Today, Building Their Confidence for Tomorrow
There is another important consideration when discussing this strategy. As our children grow older, we want them to become increasingly capable of setting boundaries, making independent decisions, and communicating when something makes them uncomfortable. We don’t want our children to believe that the only way they can say no is by blaming their parents or caregivers.
Instead, we should view the family exit strategy as a developmental bridge. For younger children and early adolescents, having a parent provide an excuse may be an appropriate way to manage social pressure while they are still developing confidence and communication skills. As they mature, we can gradually help them practise more direct responses, such as, “I’m not comfortable with this,” “That’s not something I want to do,” or simply, “I’m heading out.”
This is an important part of what we refer to as moving from parental involvement toward growing independence. We start by providing more direct support when children need it, then gradually reduce that support as their judgment, confidence, and skills develop. However, even older teens and adults sometimes need help navigating difficult social situations. Asking for assistance should never be viewed as a failure of independence. In fact, knowing when to seek help is itself an important life skill.
We also need to be mindful that an exit strategy should not become a way for children to avoid every uncomfortable conversation, ordinary disagreement, or manageable social challenge. Learning to say no, establish boundaries, resolve conflict, and tolerate temporary discomfort are all important parts of growing up.
The key is helping our children understand the difference between a situation that challenges them and one that compromises their safety, dignity, or personal boundaries. Our goal should not be to remove every uncomfortable experience from our children’s lives, but to ensure they have the confidence, skills, and support to navigate those experiences appropriately.
The Most Important Part Comes After the Text
There is one final piece of this strategy that we believe deserves particular attention, and that is what happens after the child has safely left the situation. Imagine a teen who uses the family exit signal and is picked up by their parent. They get into the vehicle, close the door, and immediately hear, “What were you doing there?” or “I told you those friends were trouble!” or “This is why you shouldn’t be going to parties!” Even if those concerns are understandable, that immediate reaction may unintentionally discourage the teen from reaching out the next time they need help.
Instead, we encourage parents and caregivers to begin with something much simpler, “I’m glad you reached out. Are you okay?” Those few words communicate that the child’s decision to seek help was the right one. They reinforce the relationship rather than turning the moment into an interrogation.
Depending on what happened, the child may need time before they are ready to talk. Some young people will want to explain everything immediately, while others may need an opportunity to settle emotionally before discussing the experience. Once everyone is safe and calm, parents can explore what happened, what made the situation uncomfortable, what decisions were made, and what might be done differently in the future. This is where some of the most valuable learning can occur.
We can help our children reflect on the experience without shaming them, identify warning signs they may have missed, and consider how they might respond independently if a similar situation arises again. We can also acknowledge something important, they recognized a situation they wanted to leave, made a decision to seek help, and acted on that decision, and those are behaviours worth reinforcing.
A Safety Strategy Is Only as Strong as the Relationship Behind It
One of the reasons Krystal’s story resonated with us is that it demonstrates something we have consistently emphasized throughout our work at The White Hatter, online safety and personal safety are not simply about preventing exposure to risk, they are also about helping children develop the skills, judgment, confidence, and relationships that allow them to respond when challenges arise.
A parent or caregiver can create the most detailed family technology agreement imaginable, install every available parental control, and establish strict rules surrounding devices and applications. However, if their child believes that reaching out for help will result in anger, embarrassment, blame, or immediate punishment, those technical safeguards may offer little assistance in the moment when the child needs human support.
Conversely, a child who knows they can contact a trusted adult, admit they are uncomfortable, acknowledge they have made a mistake, or ask for help without immediately being judged has access to something that no application can fully replicate, a relationship built on trust. This trust is not created through one conversation or one promise, it develops through repeated experiences in which our children see that we mean what we say, that we listen when they speak, and that our actions demonstrate we are willing to help them navigate challenges rather than simply react to them.
It also requires consistency. If we tell our children they can come to us about anything, but then we respond with anger or shame when they share something difficult, our behaviour may communicate a very different message from our words. Children learn whether we are safe people to approach by observing how we respond when the stakes are low, long before they face situations where the stakes are high. This is why we believe relationship building should be viewed as an ongoing safety practice rather than something we only discuss when a problem occurs.
We often remind parents and caregivers that raising children in today’s online world requires more than knowing which applications are popular, which platforms present challenges, or which parental controls are available. Those things matter, but they are only part of a much larger picture. The Human Element matters just as much, and sometimes even more.
Krystal’s story is a wonderful example of how a parent or caregiver can use something as simple as a text message to provide their child with a safe exit from an uncomfortable situation. However, the real power wasn’t in the words she typed, it was in the relationship that made her son comfortable enough to ask her to send them. That relationship existed before the party, before the uncomfortable moment, and before the text message was ever needed.
As parents and caregivers, we should be asking ourselves an important question, “If my child found themselves in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation tonight, would they feel comfortable reaching out to me for help, even if they had made a mistake?” If the answer is uncertain, that doesn’t mean we have failed as parents or caregivers, it means there is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, open a conversation, and begin building the kind of trust that makes asking for help easier.
Sometimes, protecting our children means teaching them how to stand up for themselves. Sometimes, it means giving them the space to work through discomfort and develop independence. Sometimes, it means stepping in when a situation becomes more than they can reasonably manage on their own, and sometimes, it means being willing to play the bad guy so our child can make a good decision.
At The White Hatter, we believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not a promise that they will never face an uncomfortable or unsafe situation, but the confidence of knowing that if they do, they will never have to face it alone. After all, when it comes to keeping our children safer in today’s onlife world, sometimes the most powerful parental control isn’t something we install on a device, it’s the trust we’ve built with the person holding it.
Once again, a BIG tip of our White Hat to Krystal Tristan for sharing the experience with her son that inspired us to write this article, and reinforce the importance of trust, connection, and the human element when it comes to keeping our children safer.
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter
Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech
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