Why Digital Literacy and Internet Safety Must Be a Conversation, Not a Lecture

Recently, Kirra Pendergast, a fellow digital literacy and internet safety advocate whose work we respect, stated the following:

“There’s a tired and toxic narrative that teens today are fragile, lazy, digitally addicted, and ungrateful. We recycle it across media, school staff rooms, dinner tables and political speeches. It has never rung true for those of us who work with young people up close daily. We see something else entirely. Fierce intelligence, brutal honesty, enormous creativity, and a deep hunger to understand the world and their place in it. But we silence that potential every time we ignore their insight. Every time we speak over them, or about them, instead of with them. When we manage them like problems to be solved, rather than partners to work with. When we throw rules at them instead of offering language, context, and care.”

We agree that none of this makes kids safer online. In many cases, it does the exact opposite. Rules have a role, boundaries matter, and clear expectations matter. As we like to say, “Be you child’s best parent and not their best friend when it comes to the use of technology”. However, what does not work is relying on rules alone.

When safety conversations become lists of restrictions, young people often stop sharing. They comply on the surface and work around the edges underneath. Hidden accounts, burner devices, private servers, and secondary apps rarely emerge because kids want to be reckless. They emerge because kids feel unheard, over managed, or assumed to be untrustworthy.

This is why we stress so often that digital literacy and internet safety cannot be enforced into existence. It has to be understood.

We believe that digital literacy starts with listening! Digital literacy is not just knowing how apps work, it is understanding why they work the way they do, how design influences behaviour, and how choices online connect to real world consequences.

Most young people already know a great deal about the digital spaces they inhabit. Most youth and teens, not all, also understand the social dynamics, the unspoken rules, the pressure points, and the rewards. When parents and caregivers dismiss that knowledge or treat it as irrelevant, they lose the most valuable source of insight available, their child!

Listening does not mean agreeing with every choice. It means recognizing that a youth or teen’s lived experience online is real and worth taking seriously

A simple shift helps. Instead of starting with, “You’re not allowed to,” try starting with “Help me understand how this works.”

When parents and caregivers position themselves as partners rather than monitors, the conversation changes. Youth and teens are more likely to ask questions, flag concerns, and admit mistakes early. That matters because early disclosure is one of the strongest protective factors when something goes wrong online.

Collaboration can looks like this:

• Explaining the why behind rules, not just the rule itself

• Talking about risk without exaggeration or fear

• Discussing real scenarios instead of abstract warnings

• Inviting young people to help shape family tech agreements

This approach builds skills, not just compliance. Skills travel with youth and teens when parents and caregivers are not present. Rules do not!

Many young people lack the words to describe what feels off online. Why?, because to our youth and teens today, there is no difference between the offline and online worlds. To them, it’s just one world or what we like to call the “onlife world”. They may know something is uncomfortable, manipulative, or confusing, but they do not know how to name it. Without that language, they often stay silent.

Digital literacy gives youth and teens vocabulary. Terms like manipulation, persuasion, consent, pressure, permanence, and reputation turn vague feelings into actionable understanding. When parents and caregivers use clear, calm language, they model how to think, not just what to avoid.

Careful language also signals safety. Youth and teens are far more likely to speak up when they believe they will be met with curiosity rather than panic or punishment.

Youth and teens are exceptionally good at detecting inconsistency. When parents  or caregivers exaggerate risks, dismiss positives, or pretend not to know what they do not know, credibility erodes quickly.

Brutal honesty, including admitting uncertainty, strengthens trust. Saying, “I don’t fully understand this app yet” opens the door for shared learning. Saying, “Let’s figure this out together” keeps communication open.

Internet safety grounded in honesty prepares youth and teens for a digital world that is complex, imperfect, and constantly changing.

Youth and teens are not adults, rather they are developing thinkers, experimenting with identity, boundaries, and belonging. Online spaces amplify that process, sometimes in a negative way for sure, but more often that not in a positive way. Shutting it down entirely is neither realistic nor helpful.

When parents and caregiver treat youth and teens as partners in digital literacy, they acknowledge growth instead of fearing it. They replace surveillance with guidance. They replace silence with dialogue, and that is where real safety lives.

Digital literacy and internet safety work best when they are relational, not reactive. Rules matter, but relationships matter more. Monitoring has its place, but understanding lasts longer.

Every time we choose conversation over control, we preserve the intelligence, creativity, and insight young people already bring to the table. We do not weaken our role as parents or caregivers by listening, we strengthen it!

Digital Food For Thought

The White Hatter

Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech