Social Media: Looking Beyond the Screen

Chapter Thirteen

Social Media: Looking Beyond the Screen

“Social media did not create the human desire to belong, to be seen, or to be heard. It simply gave those desires a new place to live.”

Few topics generate as much discussion among parents and caregivers today as social media. Hardly a week passes without another headline warning about its dangers or celebrating its potential. Families are often left trying to make sense of conflicting messages, wondering whether social media is helping or harming their children and, perhaps more importantly, whether they are making the right parenting decisions.

For some families, social media represents opportunity. It allows children to maintain friendships, explore their creativity, discover communities built around shared interests, learn new skills, and remain connected with family members who may live far away. Used thoughtfully, these platforms can encourage collaboration, self-expression, and a sense of belonging that extends beyond the walls of a classroom.

For other families, however, social media represents something very different. They see distraction replacing attention, comparison eroding confidence, cyberbullying damaging relationships, unrealistic expectations shaping self-image, and endless scrolling consuming time that could have been spent sleeping, learning, or engaging face to face with others. Stories of online exploitation, misinformation, and harmful content understandably add to these concerns.

Most parents find themselves somewhere between these two perspectives. They recognize that social media offers genuine benefits, but they also see the risks. They appreciate the opportunities for connection while worrying about the emotional, social, and developmental challenges these platforms can introduce. They are trying to strike a balance, often wondering if they are being too restrictive, too permissive, or simply missing something important.

During our presentations to parents and caregivers, we often begin this conversation with a simple question, “Why do you think your child wants social media?” The answers are remarkably consistent regardless of where we present.

• “To waste time.”

• “To watch funny videos.”

• “To talk to friends.”

• “Because everyone else has it.”

• “Because they’re addicted.”

There is some truth in each of these responses. Children do enjoy entertainment. They want to stay connected with friends. Peer influence certainly plays a role. Some platforms are intentionally designed to encourage prolonged engagement. However,  none of these answers tells the whole story.

When we stop at these explanations, we risk focusing on the behaviour without understanding the need driving it. We begin solving the wrong problem because we have misunderstood the reason the behaviour exists in the first place.

Throughout this book, we have returned to one central principle, if we want to understand children’s behaviour, we must first understand children’s development. Technology may shape how needs are expressed, but it rarely creates those needs. Long before social media existed, young people wanted to belong, to be accepted, to express themselves, to explore their identity, to gain independence, and to feel seen by others. Social media did not invent these desires, it simply became another place where children attempt to satisfy them.

That is why, to truly understand social media, we need to begin where we have begun throughout this book. Not with the technology, but with the child.

A Different Question

For years, much of the public conversation about social media has revolved around a single question, “What is social media doing to our children?” It’s an important question, and one that deserves careful attention.

Researchers around the world have invested tremendous effort into understanding how social media may influence child and adolescent development. Their work has provided valuable insights into issues such as sleep disruption, social comparison, cyberbullying, problematic or compulsive use, body image concerns, and various aspects of mental health and well being. These findings have helped parents, educators, policymakers, and technology companies better understand the challenges that can accompany life in an increasingly connected world.

At the same time, the research has revealed something equally important, young people’s experiences with social media are remarkably diverse. Some adolescents find genuine support through online communities that help them feel understood and less alone. Others use social media as a creative outlet to share artwork, music, writing, photography, or personal interests. Many strengthen existing friendships by staying connected outside of school hours and maintaining relationships across distance. For these young people, social media can become a meaningful source of connection, learning, and self-expression.

For others, however, the experience is far more difficult. Constant comparison, unrealistic expectations, cyberbullying, exclusion, excessive screen time, and exposure to harmful content can contribute to emotional distress and unhealthy patterns of behaviour. The same platform that encourages one child’s confidence may undermine another’s.

This is one reason the scientific conversation continues to evolve. Researchers increasingly recognize that the effects of social media are not uniform. They are influenced by a child’s personality, developmental stage, mental health, family relationships, peer group, the type of content they consume, how they engage with it, and the support available in their lives. Social media is rarely experienced in exactly the same way by two different children.

While asking what social media is doing to children remains essential, we believe there is another question that deserves equal attention, “What are children trying to accomplish when they use social media?” Notice how different that question is.

The first question directs our attention toward the technology itself. The second directs our attention toward the child.

When we ask children why they are drawn to social media, their answers are often surprisingly familiar. They want to connect with friends. They want to feel accepted. They want to belong. They want to laugh, be entertained, learn something new, express themselves creatively, explore who they are becoming, and receive recognition from people who matter to them. None of these desires are new. Connection is not new, friendship is not new, belonging is not new, and the desire to be seen, valued, understood, and appreciated is not new.

Children have pursued these needs for generations. Long before cellphones and social media existed, young people searched for acceptance among classmates, teammates, neighbours, clubs, and communities. The developmental needs remained the same, only the environment changed.

Social media has become one of the places where many children attempt to satisfy these timeless human needs, and understanding this changes the conversation. When we focus only on the technology, our attention naturally shifts toward controlling platforms, limiting screen time, and managing devices. While those strategies can certainly have a place, they address only part of the picture.

When we understand the human needs beneath the behaviour, our response becomes broader and more compassionate. We begin asking whether our children feel connected, whether they have healthy friendships, whether they experience belonging within their family, whether they have opportunities to express themselves, and whether they feel seen and valued by the people who matter most. Technology may influence how these needs are expressed, but it does not create them.

Parents and caregivers who understand that distinction are far better equipped to guide their children with wisdom, because they are no longer responding only to the behaviour they can see. They are responding to the human needs that have always existed beneath it.

Social Media Is a Place

When adults think about social media, we often focus on the platforms themselves. We talk about Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, Facebook, or whatever new app has captured the attention of young people. Our conversations tend to revolve around features, privacy settings, algorithms, screen time, and the risks or benefits associated with each service.

Children, however, often see something entirely different. They are usually not thinking about platforms, they are thinking about the people who are there.

• “My friends are there.”

• “My teammates are there.”

• “My cousins are there.”

• “The people who understand me are there.”

That distinction is one of the most important insights parents and caregivers can understand. To adults, social media often appears to be a collection of apps installed on a phone. To many children, it feels more like the place where their social world exists, the technology itself is often secondary. What matters most are the relationships it helps them maintain. 

This helps explain why many parents become frustrated when they ask a seemingly logical question, “Why don’t they just leave?” On the surface, it seems like a simple solution. If a platform is creating stress, exposing a child to unhealthy behaviour, or making them feel anxious, why not simply delete the app?

Now imagine asking a child a similar question in another setting, “If someone is mean to you in the school cafeteria, why don’t you just stop eating lunch there?”Technically, that may be possible. however, socially it is far more complicated.

For many children, the cafeteria is where friendships are maintained, conversations happen, inside jokes are shared, plans are made, and relationships are strengthened. Choosing not to be there may protect them from one difficult interaction, but it may also leave them feeling disconnected from the very people with whom they want to belong. Social media often functions in much the same way.

Children frequently remain in digital spaces for the same reasons adults continue participating in workplaces, neighbourhoods, sports teams, volunteer organizations, or professional associations. Relationships matter, belonging matters, and connection matters.

This does not mean every social media platform is healthy, nor does it mean every online community deserves a child’s participation. Some digital environments are supportive, encouraging, and enriching. Others are toxic, manipulative, or emotionally harmful. One of the most important skills children must develop is learning to recognize the difference.

To help them do that, parents must first understand how children experience these spaces. From a child’s perspective, social media often feels less like software and more like a social environment. They are not simply opening an application. They are walking into a gathering place where friendships are nurtured, identities are explored, opinions are exchanged, and social status is negotiated. Once we recognize this, our conversations with children begin to change.

Instead of asking only, “How much time are you spending on that app?” we can begin asking, “How do you feel when you’re there?” “Who are you connecting with?” “Do those relationships bring out the best in you?” “When you leave, do you generally feel encouraged, accepted, and inspired, or exhausted, anxious, and discouraged?”

Those questions shift our attention away from the technology itself and toward the quality of the environment our children are entering. Children do not simply log into an app, they enter a community. Some communities help young people grow into healthier, wiser, and more compassionate human beings, while others can slowly pull them in the opposite direction.

Our role as parents and caregivers is not simply to teach children how to use technology, it’s to help them recognize the difference between communities that strengthen their character and those that gradually erode it. That ability will serve them not only online, but throughout every relationship they build for the rest of their lives.

Comparison Is Older Than Social Media

One of the concerns we hear most often from parents and caregivers is that social media encourages unhealthy comparison. It is a valid concern, and research suggests that for some young people, repeated exposure to idealized images and carefully curated content can contribute to feelings of inadequacy, lower self-esteem, and dissatisfaction with their own lives.

However, it is important to remember that comparison itself is not a new human behaviour. Long before smartphones, children compared themselves to classmates who were more athletic, more popular, or earned higher grades. They noticed who was invited to birthday parties, who made the team, and who seemed to have more friends. Adults have always compared careers, homes, financial success, relationships, parenting, and personal achievements with those around them. Social comparison is a natural part of being human, it’s one of the ways we make sense of our place within a social world.

What technology has changed is not our tendency to compare, it has changed the scale, the frequency, and the intensity of those comparisons.

Previous generations primarily compared themselves with a relatively small circle of people, classmates, neighbours, teammates, coworkers, extended family members, or perhaps a handful of celebrities they occasionally saw on television or in magazines. Those comparisons were limited by time and geography.

Today’s children live in a very different environment. A single afternoon of scrolling can expose them to hundreds or even thousands of carefully selected photographs, short videos, achievements, vacations, celebrations, fashion trends, fitness routines, luxury lifestyles, and seemingly perfect friendships. Their social reference group is no longer limited to the people in their classroom or neighbourhood. It now includes influencers, celebrities, athletes, content creators, and peers from around the world. That can become emotionally exhausting.

Perhaps more importantly, it can become profoundly misleading. What appears in a social media feed is rarely an accurate representation of someone’s complete life. Most people naturally share their highlights rather than their hardships. They post the vacation, not the argument that happened before leaving for the airport. They celebrate the promotion without mentioning the years of rejection that came before it. They share the smiling family photograph, not the sleepless nights, difficult conversations, or moments of loneliness that every family eventually experiences. Success is displayed, but life struggle is often hidden. Achievement is celebrated, but failure is frequently edited out. Joy is shared, but pain is commonly kept private.

When children repeatedly compare their everyday reality with someone else’s carefully curated highlight reel, they begin making comparisons that are fundamentally unfair. They are measuring the ordinary moments of their own lives against the most polished moments of someone else’s.

Parents and caregivers can help their child understand this important difference. This is not about teaching them to become cynical or distrustful of other people. Most individuals are not intentionally trying to deceive others when they post positive moments from their lives. They are simply sharing the experiences they want to remember or celebrate, just as families have always done with photo albums or vacation scrapbooks. Instead, our goal is to teach perspective.

We can remind our children that every person has a life beyond what appears on a screen. Every smiling photograph exists alongside moments of disappointment. Every accomplishment has usually been preceded by setbacks. Every confident person experiences insecurity. Every family faces challenges that remain invisible to those scrolling through their feed.

When children understand that social media provides only a small window into another person’s life rather than the whole picture, they become less likely to measure their worth against an impossible standard.

That perspective does not eliminate comparison entirely, it simply makes comparison more honest, and honesty is one of the healthiest foundations upon which self-worth can grow.

Validation and Worth

One of the most important developmental tasks of adolescence is learning to answer a question that quietly shapes countless decisions throughout life, “What makes me valuable?”

Every young person wrestles with this question in one form or another. They may not ask it out loud, but it is present beneath many of the choices they make, the friendships they pursue, the activities they join, and the risks they are willing to take. They are trying to discover who they are, where they belong, and what gives their life meaning and worth.

This is not a new challenge, every generation has searched for answers to these same questions. What has changed is the environment in which many young people now seek those answers.

Social media provides an endless stream of opportunities to measure success through numbers. Likes, followers, views, comments, shares, streaks, and subscriber counts offer immediate feedback about how other people respond to what a child says, does, or creates. These metrics are visible, quantifiable, and available within seconds. It is easy to understand why they feel significant.

Human beings have always appreciated encouragement, recognition, and positive feedback. There is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying a compliment or feeling proud when others appreciate something we have shared. The challenge arises when children begin confusing attention with worth. Those are two very different things. Attention simply tells us that someone noticed us, while worth tells us who we are.

Attention can be influenced by trends, algorithms, timing, popularity, controversy, or luck. It rises and falls from one day to the next. A post that attracts thousands of views today may be forgotten tomorrow. An influencer celebrated this month may disappear from public attention the next.

Character does not fluctuate in the same way. Kindness is valuable whether anyone applauds it or not, integrity matters whether it receives recognition or goes unnoticed, and compassion, honesty, perseverance, courage, and humility retain their value regardless of how many people click a button or leave a comment.

One of the greatest responsibilities parents and caregivers have is helping children understand the difference between external attention and internal worth. That lesson is taught in countless ordinary moments. It is reinforced when we praise effort rather than popularity. When we celebrate kindness as enthusiastically as achievement. When we notice character before appearance. When our children know they are loved after failure just as deeply as they are after success. When they discover that mistakes may affect behaviour, but they never diminish their value as a person.

Children who experience consistent, unconditional love within their family develop an important foundation. They gradually learn that their identity is not built upon the unpredictable opinions of strangers but upon relationships that remain steady through success, disappointment, celebration, and failure.

This does not make them immune to the influence of social media. It does, however, give them something stronger to stand on when the digital world begins sending conflicting messages about what makes someone important. Popularity is temporary, character endures, followers may come and go, but integrity remains. The applause of strangers may feel exciting in the moment, but it is often fleeting. The quiet acceptance found within trusted relationships provides something far more lasting, it provides security.

When children know they are deeply loved for who they are rather than admired only for what they accomplish, they become less dependent on external validation and more confident in the enduring truth that their worth has never been measured by a number on a screen.

Healthy Questions

Another questions we hear from parents and caregivers is remarkably straightforward, “Is social media good or bad?”

It is an understandable question. Parents and caregivers want clear answers that will help them make wise decisions for their children. Unfortunately, like many aspects of parenting, the reality is rarely that simple.

Social media is neither entirely beneficial nor entirely harmful. Its influence depends on a wide range of factors, including the child’s age, personality, emotional maturity, relationships, the type of content they engage with, the communities they participate in, and the role social media plays in their everyday life. Asking whether social media is “good” or “bad” is much like asking whether automobiles, television, or organized sports are good or bad. The answer depends largely on how they are used and the environment surrounding them.

Rather than searching for a simple yes or no answer, parents and caregivers are often better served by asking better questions. Instead of focusing exclusively on the platform, we can focus on the child.

• How does my child usually feel after spending time on social media?

• Do they walk away feeling encouraged, inspired, and connected, or discouraged, anxious, and emotionally drained?

• Does social media strengthen the friendships they already have, or does it create unnecessary conflict, comparison, or loneliness?

• Does it encourage creativity, curiosity, and learning, or does it simply consume hours that could have been spent resting, connecting with family, pursuing hobbies, or being physically active?

• Is their online activity fitting comfortably alongside school, sleep, responsibilities, and face-to-face relationships, or is it gradually beginning to interfere with the things that matter most?

• Is my child using social media intentionally, or has social media quietly begun using them?

That distinction is increasingly important in an age of sophisticated algorithms designed to capture attention and maximize engagement. Technology should serve our children’s goals, values, and relationships. It should never become the force that quietly shapes their priorities without them even realizing it.

Notice something important about these questions. None of them require parents  or caregivers to become experts on every new app, every algorithm, or every platform that emerges. New technologies will continue to appear throughout our children’s lives, often faster than any parent or caregiver can reasonably keep up with.

What these questions do require is something far more attainable. They require parents and caregivers to remain experts on their own child. No algorithm knows your child’s personality the way you do. No influencer understands their fears, strengths, struggles, or dreams the way you do. No technology company has watched them grow, celebrated their successes, comforted them through disappointment, or loved them unconditionally. That has always been one of the most important responsibilities of parenting. 

The goal has never been to know every platform. The goal is to know our children so well that we can recognize when technology is helping them grow, when it is beginning to harm them, and when they simply need the steady guidance of someone who knows them better than any screen ever could.

Modelling Healthy Relationships With Technology

Children learn about social media long before they create their first account. One of their earliest and most influential teachers is not an app, an influencer, or a classmate, it is us.

Parents and caregivers often focus on what children are doing online, but children are equally attentive to how the adults in their lives interact with technology. They watch far more than we sometimes realize. They notice whether we become distracted every time our phone buzzes. They observe how we respond to disagreement online. They see whether we verify information before sharing it or whether we repost emotionally charged stories without first checking the facts. They notice whether we celebrate the accomplishments of others or quietly compare our lives to the carefully curated lives appearing in our own social media feeds.

They are also paying attention during the ordinary moments of family life. Do we put our devices aside during meals and conversations, or do we allow notifications to interrupt the people sitting beside us? Do we make eye contact when someone is speaking, or does our attention drift toward the screen in our hand? Do our online habits reflect the values we hope to teach our children? These observations become powerful lessons.

Long before children consistently follow our rules about technology, they are studying our relationship with it. They learn not only from what we say but from what we repeatedly do. If we tell them that relationships are more important than screens, they naturally look to see whether our own behaviour supports that message.

This realization should never become a source of guilt, instead, it should become a source of opportunity. Parents and caregivers do not need to model perfection. In fact, trying to appear perfect can sometimes make these conversations more difficult. Children know that adults are not immune to distraction, endless scrolling, or the temptation to check one more notification. Pretending otherwise may actually reduce our credibility.

There is tremendous value in saying, “I think I’ve been spending too much time on my phone lately,” or, “I caught myself checking social media when I should have been paying attention to you.” These moments demonstrate accountability rather than weakness. They show children that self awareness is an important part of healthy technology use and that everyone, regardless of age, continues learning.

Parents and caregivers who model balance give their children permission to pursue balance for themselves. Parents and caregivers who acknowledge that they also struggle with distraction create an environment where honest conversations replace unrealistic expectations. Instead of framing technology as a problem only children must solve, families begin approaching it as something they are learning to manage together.

This transforms the relationship. Technology no longer becomes a source of constant conflict between parents and children. Instead, it becomes a shared conversation about living intentionally in an increasingly connected world.

The healthiest families are rarely those who have mastered technology perfectly. More often, they are families who remain willing to reflect, adjust, apologize when necessary, and continue growing together.

Parenting has never been about being perfect, it has always been about walking alongside our children as we all continue learning.

Social Media Is Not the Destination

One of the greatest mistakes we can make as parents and caregivers is believing that healthy digital parenting begins and ends with social media. While conversations about apps, privacy settings, screen time, and online safety certainly matter, they represent only one piece of a much larger picture.

Healthy social media use is rarely built through technology alone, it grows out of healthy child development. The qualities that help children navigate the digital world successfully are the very same qualities that help them flourish everywhere else in life. A child who is developing a secure sense of identity is less likely to seek constant validation from strangers online. A child who enjoys meaningful, supportive friendships is often less dependent on superficial online approval. A young person who has learned emotional regulation is better equipped to respond thoughtfully instead of impulsively when faced with conflict, criticism, or disappointment. Children who are growing in empathy, resilience, integrity, and good judgment carry those strengths with them wherever they go, including into their digital lives.

The opposite is often true as well. When children are struggling with loneliness, insecurity, poor self worth, unresolved conflict, anxiety, or a lack of belonging, those struggles rarely remain offline. They often follow them into social media, online gaming, group chats, and every other digital environment they enter. Technology may change how those struggles are expressed, but it seldom creates them from nothing. This is why we often say that technology amplifies what children bring with them.

• It can strengthen confidence or magnify insecurity.

• It can deepen healthy friendships or intensify unhealthy relationships.

• It can encourage creativity or reinforce unhealthy comparison.

More often than not, technology reflects and amplifies the developmental foundation that already exists beneath it. Recognizing this changes the way we approach parenting. Instead of asking only, “How do I control social media?” we begin asking a much deeper and ultimately the more productive question, “How do I continue helping my child become the kind of person who can use social media wisely?”

That shift moves our attention away from simply managing devices and toward developing character. It reminds us that our most important work as parents and caregivers has never been teaching children how to use technology. Our greatest responsibility is helping them become thoughtful, compassionate, resilient, and discerning human beings who can make wise decisions regardless of the environment they enter.

When we focus on building strong character, healthy relationships, emotional maturity, critical thinking, and a secure sense of identity, we are preparing our children for far more than today’s digital landscape. We are giving them internal strengths that travel with them into every new technology, every new friendship, every new workplace, and every new stage of life.

Today’s most popular platforms will eventually fade away. History has shown us that they always do. New technologies will emerge, algorithms will evolve, and entirely new forms of communication will replace the ones we use today.

The qualities that enable children to navigate those changes wisely, however, are far more enduring. Character does not become obsolete, wisdom does not require software updates, and good judgment never goes out of style.

That is why the most valuable parenting question is not one that is tied to any particular app or platform. It is a question that will remain just as relevant twenty years from now as it is today, “How do I continue helping my child become the kind of person who can use whatever technology comes next with wisdom, integrity, and compassion?” That question will outlast every social media platform our children will ever encounter.

Looking Ahead To The Next Chapter

If social media is one place where children seek connection, online gaming is another. For millions of young people around the world, gaming is far more than a way to pass the time. It has become an important part of their social lives and, for many, another place where friendships are formed, memories are created, and a sense of belonging develops.

Many adults still think of video games primarily as entertainment. They picture a child sitting alone in front of a screen, focused only on completing levels or defeating opponents. While that certainly describes some gaming experiences, it no longer reflects the reality of how many children play today.

Modern gaming is often deeply social. Children work together to solve complex problems. They communicate in real time, develop strategies, compete as teammates, celebrate victories, and learn how to recover from defeat. They build elaborate virtual worlds, create stories, share experiences, and laugh together in much the same way previous generations gathered at playgrounds, sports fields, or neighbourhood parks. For many young people, gaming has become another place where friendships grow.

At the same time, gaming is not without its challenges. Just as children can encounter kindness, teamwork, and belonging, they may also experience conflict, toxic behaviour, exclusion, harassment, scams, exploitation, inappropriate conversations, or pressure from other players. The same environments that create opportunities for connection can also expose children to risks that require thoughtful guidance from trusted adults.

This is why understanding gaming requires us to move beyond the outdated stereotype that games are merely entertainment.

For many children, gaming has become another neighbourhood within the onlife world. It is a social space where they spend time with friends, cooperate toward shared goals, compete, communicate, negotiate disagreements, develop skills, and experience both the rewards and the challenges that come with being part of a community.

When parents and caregivers begin to view gaming through this lens, their conversations often change. Instead of asking only, “What game are you playing?” they begin asking questions such as, “Who are you playing with?” “What do you enjoy about it?” “How do people treat one another?” “What happens when someone breaks the rules?” “How do you feel when you finish playing?” These questions help parents and caregivers understand not only the game, but the experience their child is having within it.

The next chapter explores what many parents and caregivers misunderstand about gaming, what the research actually tells us about its benefits and its risks, and how families can help children enjoy the many positive aspects of play while recognizing and responding to the challenges that can arise.

Just as we discovered with social media, the most important question is rarely, “What is the game?” The more important question is, “What is my child experiencing while they are there?”

When parents understand the experience rather than simply the technology, they are far better equipped to guide their children with confidence, curiosity, and wisdom.

Five Self-Reflective Questions Based on This Chapter:

1/ How has artificial intelligence already entered your family’s daily life without you fully realizing it?

2/ What tasks should AI help your child complete, and what tasks should always remain the responsibility of the learner?

3/ How can your family teach the difference between using AI as a tool and becoming dependent upon it?

4/ What uniquely human qualities do you hope your child develops that no technology could ever replace?

5/ How can your family stay curious about new technology without becoming either fearful or naïvely accepting of it?